I underestimated what I have. How to talk to people who underestimate you. Low self-esteem or arrogance

How to get into a working mood and go to work every day in a good or even neutral mood, if your manager humiliates and constantly criticizes you in the presence of other colleagues? The situation is extremely demoralizing and in no way conducive to work productivity. However, before you make the defeatist decision to quit your job, try to consider alternative strategies for your behavior. You may no longer have to worry about a boss who makes your work life miserable. Take a few professional and diplomatic steps to turn your intolerant boss into a more accepting one.

1. If you have strong enough nerves, simply ignore his derogatory attitude. In most of these cases, the boss puts you down purely to exert his power. Your painful reaction to such behavior only further amuses his ego and vanity and serves as a breeding ground for them. If you at least outwardly demonstrate your composure and Spartan calm, then finding fault with you will simply become uninteresting and useless.

2. Talk privately with your manager about how his attitude towards you is frustrating you and is affecting your productivity. Let him clearly understand that you highly value his attention and his advice and wishes, but you will be grateful to him even more if he expresses his complaints exclusively to you personally, and in the presence of other employees.

3. Contact the HR department or directly a specialist from this department to solve work problems. Otherwise, if the situation is completely tense, then take the liberty of turning to higher management, that is, to your boss’s boss. This measure is applicable only after you have already had a dialogue with your immediate boss and this dialogue-conversation had no result.

4. Leave your work problems immediately outside the office, do not take them home to once again “digest” problems with loved ones in the form of your tears, depression or hysterics. Don't let your boss's unfair treatment negatively impact your home and non-work life. Once your boss's behavior begins to negatively impact your personal life, then it may be time to really make a change.

5. Talk to a close friend or family member to vent and express your frustration and concern about the situation. Colleagues are not the people with whom you should share such problems, otherwise you risk becoming a source of additional gossip and rumors that are born in the team in the blink of an eye and, naturally, immediately reach the ears of the boss. A close friend or relative may well help you look at an unpleasant situation from a different, more objective side, and help you develop the right strategy for dealing with your unbearable boss.

“I don’t know what it means to be proud of yourself. I come from a family of fairly famous scientists and lawyers, but I didn’t follow in my parents’ footsteps because I didn’t want to study for a long time. As a result, I received a diploma in telecommunications. Now I make good money, but I never talk about it so as not to seem arrogant. True, it’s not just about the money: I constantly underestimated myself on many counts. When I was praised for something, I replied that there was no merit in it, that it was easy. But now I know that those around me get very tired of such constant underestimation of themselves. I first encountered this when I met Irina, my future wife. You know how it happens: you really like a girl, but if she doesn’t talk to you herself, you’ll never approach her. This is our case. I would never dare to approach her. I thought she was too good for me. Luckily (and I still don't know why), she took notice of me and we started dating. I remember our first frank conversation. We had to tell each other about our two biggest weaknesses and two strengths. It’s clear that I could make a whole list of my shortcomings, but it was very difficult for me to find at least two advantages in myself. Ultimately, I defined myself as a hard-working and humble person. To which Irina responded with an amazing thing: what I am trying to show others is not modesty, but stupidity; modesty does not mean hiding your merits and successes from others. She also explained to me that my low self-esteem is very inconvenient for others, because everyone knows that, and constantly saying “no, you’re very good” is very tiring. It was unpleasant for me to hear this, but I realized a very important thing: the more I wanted to seem modest, the more arrogant I became, but I was talking about myself all the time!”

Alexey, 31 years old

Low self-esteem or modesty?

Chronic self-devaluation has nothing to do with modesty. When a person underestimates himself, he refuses to look at himself objectively: he belittles the importance of his achievements, as if recognizing his own successes is a manifestation of arrogance and conceit. In fact, it is normal to remember your past successes and be proud of what you have achieved. Recognition of one's own achievements is part of the foundation on which self-esteem is built, which feeds a person's self-confidence and allows him to take on new ambitious projects. Here’s what Vadim Rotenberg, psychophysiologist, professor at Tel Aviv University, says about this: “Our success in life depends not only on the desire to achieve something, on our abilities and life circumstances. They depend even more on our self-perception, on how we see ourselves.” “To live the life we ​​like, it is important not only to believe in ourselves, but also to believe in ourselves,” agrees writer Nikolai Kryshchuk.

Low self-esteem or arrogance?

Oddly enough, there is a lot in common between arrogance and the habit of constantly devaluing oneself. The logic of an arrogant person: “I achieved something, therefore I can be proud of it. I'm damn talented, that's obvious. I am much more talented than those with whom I communicate.” An arrogant person perceives the world through the prism of his successes and belittles all those who are not as successful as him. People with low self-esteem use a different thought pattern: “I have achieved something that I can be proud of. But to be proud of something is to be arrogant. Therefore, I should not show that I am proud of my action, I should humiliate myself.” In both cases, reality is distorted. Thus, both come to incorrect judgments about themselves and about others: everything is either good or bad. People with low self-esteem judge others too categorically, say Steven Graham and Margaret Clark, psychologists at Yale University (USA). “Those of us who underestimate ourselves tend to have a black-and-white outlook,” says Dr. Clark. – It is difficult for them to realize that the person next to them can have both positive and negative traits. In addition, they are very concerned about how their loved ones treat them. When everything goes well, they tend to idealize their partner, but at the first disagreement they focus on his negative qualities. This type of self-defense helps insecure people avoid intimacy and the pain associated with it.”

Modesty without depreciation

In dictionaries, the concept of modesty is defined as a moderate assessment of oneself. To be modest means to be able to say to yourself: “I managed to do something, so I am capable of it,” without generalizing or comparing oneself with others. True modesty is manifested in openness towards others, in the ability not to overload people with increased attention, positive or negative, to one’s own person. Being humble means accepting and forgiving mistakes, your own and others, and not judging people for their successes or failures. If something doesn't work out, it's not because the person is bad. And vice versa - success does not prove that someone is better than others.

Important

Low self-esteem is not a sign of modesty

Being modest does not mean devaluing yourself. The habit of devaluing oneself is akin to arrogance. People with high and low self-esteem perceive reality distortedly, constantly compare themselves with others and are too categorical in their judgments.

Pride and Arrogance: A Common Confusion

True modesty is an extension of true pride

It is quite possible to adequately evaluate oneself without showing any arrogance. The point is to tell yourself, “I can do this,” without belittling yourself (“I’m just lucky”) or comparing yourself to others (“So I’m better than others”)…

Yes, our response to guilt when overestimating is often unexpected and surprising. But what should worry us more is the second form of dissatisfaction - a feeling of resentment when underestimated.

As you remember, 53% of managers and 83% of subordinates feel resentful, believing that they are underestimated.

Probably, for some of them this situation causes only a feeling of slight irritation. Others get really angry. People who consider themselves underappreciated admit that they are significantly less satisfied with their jobs than those of their colleagues who consider their work to be fairly assessed. People who are overvalued seek to rid themselves of the associated guilt in unpredictable ways. People, offended and upset that they are underestimated, act quite predictably and decisively. This brings us to our final Axiom of Justice.

3rd Axiom of Justice.

People who are dissatisfied with their relationships due to low returns strive to restore justice.

“And this after everything I’ve done for you...” is a phrase that seems to say, “Look at my contribution to our relationship,” a sign that someone feels clearly underappreciated. When resentment arises due to underestimation, people try to restore justice in one of three ways.

1. Reducing your contribution

Think about situations in which you felt resentful because you were underestimated, and answer the question: Has your contribution to the relationship become less? At work, people who feel undervalued often unconsciously reduce their contribution, and this manifests itself in:

Being late for work,

Reducing the amount of work performed,

Inaccurate performance of work,

Frequent newsletters,

Increased lunch break

Frequent “forgetfulness” of official duties,

Avoiding your work.

It is not difficult for a person to come up with a way to restore justice in work relationships. One employee told us that he was very offended when he was passed over for an important promotion. He decided to find another job. But while the search continued, this employee was simply present at his workplace, pretending to be working. And, in his own words, he even experienced some sense of satisfaction when he quit after three months, since in a certain sense he evened the score.

Another man described his summer vacation job picking and packing peaches. He had to arrange the top row of each box from the best peaches lying on the conveyor belt. The idea was that this would give peach buyers the impression, when opening boxes for quality inspection, that each box was filled with only the finest peaches. One day, when our narrator and two other workers had to work until midnight for three days in a row, they, quite angry, decided to fill the tops of random boxes with small, bruised and even slightly spoiled peaches. Although he now feels guilty about participating in this “act of sabotage,” at the time both he and his friends felt great satisfaction at seeing the confusion of the owner of the peaches when customers accused him of trying to sell a damaged, low-quality product.

Sometimes, to restore justice, even professional baseball players “reduce their contributions.” Several years ago, a survey of players was conducted during their free agency year ( Last year contract). Do you think they were trying to spend this free agency year trying to improve their performance so they could successfully negotiate better terms with their new team? No, the researchers found that many players saw their performance drop significantly. Apparently, the subconscious desire to restore justice for low payments in the past was much stronger than the conscious desire to improve the year's performance.

In family life, people try to restore justice in the following way:

Reducing time spent with family

Forgetting important anniversaries, birthdays and other dates,

Neglecting some household duties previously performed,

Avoiding compliments and other forms of normal communication,”

Refusing attempts to resolve conflicts.

Thus, the position of self-withdrawal and non-interference on the part of one of the spouses leads to a feeling of underestimation in the other spouse and a desire to restore justice in family relations. In this case, the approach is very simple: “I will do less until you do more.”

2. Increasing returns

People who believe that they are undervalued may try to change the score in their favor by increasing their returns. At work, such a person will demand from management:

Salary increases,

promotions,

Increased guarantee of space retention,

Bonus increases,

Transfer to another job,

Improving working conditions.

If their demands are not met, they can increase returns in other ways: by taking home the property of the business, overdrawing accounts, and other actions that do not actually equalize the accounts but create a sense of fairness. One employee told us about the feeling of outrage that came over her when she learned that one new employee's salary exceeded her own by $2,300 a year. She immediately demanded an answer from the manager. He confirmed that her salary is indeed lower, but he cannot help her in any way, since the company is simply forced to pay more to the right people these days.

A few months later, the employee quit. When she vacated her workplace, she put a dictionary belonging to the manager in her purse. “I’ve never stolen anything in my life, but for some unknown reason I just took it and took it away.” As she passed through the control device, she was terribly afraid that someone would inquire about the contents of her purse. Nobody paid attention to her. And now the company's dictionary is collecting dust on its shelf. She calls it a "$2,300 dictionary."

In family life, those who consider themselves undervalued, in order to increase returns, demand from their spouse:

Spend more time at home

More expression of feelings

Greater participation in decision making,

More appreciation for their contributions,

More than anything that evokes a sense of justice.

Thus, when your spouse begins to make demands that are unreasonable from your point of view, you will be absolutely right in concluding that they were trying to tell you: “After everything I have done for you, I expect more from our relationship.”

3. Ending the relationship

A third way to bring justice to those who feel unappreciated is to simply end the entire relationship. As we have already noted, every day throughout the country:

50,000 people quit.

2122 families are breaking up,

1380 teenagers run away from home.

Of course, quitting your job, getting a divorce, and leaving home will not make the relationship more equitable. But some bitter, desperate people see no other way out. They are disappointed that a relationship that is important to them has not lived up to their expectations. All their efforts to restore balance were in vain. Why not leave before the injustice becomes even worse?

Focus on your personal goals. Of course, it's very easy to get caught up in the pain of someone else's thoughtless words, but instead of trying to prove your opponent wrong, focus on what you want to achieve. Instead of worrying about what someone said, use anger or sadness as motivation. Channel those emotions in the right direction. Let them help you work towards your goals.

Set reasonable goals for yourself. Typically, many people fail to achieve success because they cannot determine whether the goal they set is achievable. Very often we set goals for ourselves that we cannot achieve. Many New Year's resolutions fall into this category. For example, you could promise that you will go to the gym every day or that you will never make a mistake at work again. Flying high, you doom yourself to fall quickly. When you can't reach your target, you will quickly become frustrated and give up. Set small, specific goals that you can achieve without worrying too much about failing.

• Set specific goals for yourself. For example, you might set a goal to walk 1.5 kilometers a day or make no more than three mistakes a day at work. Goals like these will help you feel satisfied when you achieve them, and will also be a good incentive to continue achieving your goals.
• Reward yourself for achieving your goals. This is especially important for activities that are not immediately rewarding, such as writing and publishing an essay or piece of fiction. For many achieved goals, you will receive a reward later, which in turn means that you do not associate achieving goals with positive emotions. When you achieve a goal, reward yourself immediately. For example, you can eat chocolate, go to the movies, or go for a walk with friends.

Work on your weaknesses. Focus on improving your weaknesses rather than what you're already good at. If someone shows you that you need to improve at something, take it seriously and strive to improve your skills and abilities.

• For example, if you work in retail and are great at customer service, but are not very good at completing job-related paperwork, then take the time to get necessary knowledge in this domain.

Recognize and stop self-talk if you are engaging in negative self-talk. We can harm ourselves psychologically with ingrained beliefs that accompany us throughout our lives. Very often we are influenced by the negative views of other people related to our life and habits, for example, the opinions of our parents, siblings, peers or someone else close to us; sometimes we may not even realize how these views affect us, and how firmly ingrained it is in us.

• Check the veracity of such statements. For example, if someone told you that you are bad at math, gather truthful information that will help either refute or confirm this statement. Didn't you understand math before someone started telling you that you weren't good at it? Do you really think you don't have the ability or are you unsure about it?
• Debunk false claims. If someone told you that you are not good at math, but you are sure that this is not true, go out and prove that statement wrong. If you don’t understand something, work with a tutor, which will allow you to understand difficult points and improve your knowledge. Some pupils and students use the help of a tutor. In some cases, these lessons are conducted online. Don't let the opinions you've heard about yourself in the past influence your life.

Stay true to your beliefs. Even if you make mistakes and can't solve the problem, don't stop. Mistakes are inevitable along the way and even necessary if we want to succeed. Mistakes can lead to a deeper understanding of your inner world and attitude towards life.

Tired of people doubting your abilities? Don't understand the reason and don't know how to correct the situation? Take a closer look at yourself and those around you. After all, they treat you the way you allow them to. will tell you how to get out of the situation.

Be confident

Get rid of speech markers of indecision - “probably”, “it seems to me”, “maybe”, express your thoughts clearly in a conversation. Start your statement with the following constructions: “I believe... because...” / “I hold this opinion because...” / “I see this problem, the question is like this...”. After expressing your own point of view, listen to your interlocutor.

Use criticism to your advantage

You don’t have to do as others say, but it’s worth getting their point of view. Take into account objective comments. They scold you, but you become even better. Talking to a person who clearly underestimates you and does not hide it is extremely difficult. But don't get emotional. Take a couple of deep belly breaths, calm down, accept criticism with restraint and do not be fooled by provocations. Anger, resentment, despair are very strong emotions that are not easy to manage. But if you manage to subdue them, you will receive powerful motivation to achieve success.

Convince others with your actions

Deeds speak louder than words. Learn to combat human bias by demonstrating successful work. The best answer to a critic in this case is the following: “Think whatever you want about me, but the result will show how wrong you are.”

Set realistic goals

You are eager to prove to everyone that you are capable of more, you take on an impossible task - and fail it. Of course, the skepticism of others is not unfounded. I love it difficult task It’s much easier to do by breaking it down into simpler ones. By dealing with such points, you will feel much more confident. And the desire to reach new heights will increase.